Debut Derby-Day Delerium! HHAFC 5, Botley Village 1.

Well, who'd have thought it eh? The upstarts, the new kids on the block taking on the establishment, taking on the big boys and given them a frosty spanking! Especially on the back of some pretty crazy results.

We had been soundly dicked in our last few games except for a brace of draws against Stanton so coming up against (table topping and local rivals) Botley Village was a daunting fixture to see coming up.

Having had last week's game called off due to 'adverse weather' (a puddle), we were able to have a little break and look ahead to this game with a bit of a fresh outlook.  As always with home games I got there early to set up the pitch and unlock the changing rooms only to find that some other bugger had already taken them, leaving me with some spare time to shoot back home and get my thermals on to stop my testicles from frosting over.

The ground on our pitch was pretty solid so the Botley manager (a lovely chap incidentally) offered their pitch for the game. The Botley pitch is the 'good' pitch. It isn't covered in leaves and dog shit and is also about double the size of our one. - Although I am sure this is an exaggeration as measurement guidelines can't allow for such radical differences in pitch sizes. But nonetheless, it was fucking cold.

As usual, most of the lads were late and our Left-Back/Dinosaur/Chatterbox Jon Grant turned up with about three minutes to spare which almost prompted a last minute formation change. On top of this the referee was also yet to make an appearance. Luckily, he did eventually turn up and much to my joy was camp as Christmas.

Anyway, I should probably discuss the match at some point as some believe that to be the main feature.

We lined up in our now standard 4-4-2 formation with Adam Baker taking Goalkeeping duties. The new Full-Back pairing of Jon and Ryan Grant (Gary & Phil) at Left-Back and Right-Back respectively. The solid Centre-Back pairing of Scott 'Grandpa' Wagstaff and Callum 'Grandson' Foote. A holding Thom 'Xabi' Wilkinson with Ali 'Quaffing Ales' McClymont completing the Central Midfield. Dan 'Probably A Mentalist' Burgess at Right Midfield, Phil 'Seduction' Kimber on the Left. Nik 'Brick Shit-House' Jones making his debut start at Centre Forward with fellow debutant Ralph 'Kockott' Stansfield completing the line up. (NB: Kockott is a reference that only former Dynamos players will understand, but will also agree wholeheartedly with).

This left the dependable Lewis Jenkins on the bench with Failed-Player/Manager Christopher Nobbs on the bench.

From this point on the game was a massive blur of visible breath and shouting punctuated with cries of joy and much splattering of mud.

However, there were numerous highlights from almost all players and I at least knew that we ran away clear winners coming out 5-1 to the good in the end with Nik grabbing the opener and Ralph getting a club record four goal haul.

The general gist of the game was: They had more possession but did not use it well. We had less possession but made the most of it. We kept things tight defensively and played quick counter-attacking football and in the end we deserved it.

Anyway, here are Nobbsy's choice moments.

1. Adam Baker producing two utterly immense saved, one tipping a top-corner bound ball just wide, and the second tipping a goal bound header onto the crossbar and eventual safety.

2. Ryan Grant being totally wiped out along with a Botley player by the onrushing Adam Baker much to my amusement.

3. Scott Wagstaff pulling out one of his trademark last-ditch slide tackles to keep our goals conceded to just one.

4. Callum Foote pulling off numerous clearances, best of all was a ball bobbling on the line that he punted away/over.

5. Nik Jones' opener. A beautiful bit of play capped off by some calm finishing and poor goalkeeping rendering me mental and eventually leading to a one man pitch invasion by yours truly.

6. Ralph Stansfield. (He was a highlight in himself with his non-stop running, playmaking and fine finishing, A true Captains display).

All in all I could not have been more proud of my team this weekend and so the Man of The Match award is to the HHAFC team of 27 November 2010, a date that will forever be etched on my heart.


HHAFC x

Things get mental... 0-10, 2-2, 0-10, 1-1!

Over the last four weeks we have conceded twenty three goals, scored three and made a return of two points. To me, that makes absolutely no sense at all. But between two absolutely dysmal 10-0 losses we have managed to draw two games.

The first 10-0 loss was against the ultimate cunts of the league, West Totton. A team most probably made up of ex-cons that took a few hours off from glue sniffing to give us an absolute hiding or from another point of view, a badly disguised assault.

Thier own manager kindly offered to referee the game (!) and we were subsequently treated to 90 minutes of takles that were almost waist-height.

I will not dwell on this game too much as it'll just make me angry and luckily since this game, our friends at Botley Village beat them 2-1 at home (Botley Rec, where we ground-share...) to displace them at the top of the league. Needless to say they managed to have two players sent off in this encounter and should have had the majority of the team against us...

We then went to Stanton and played out a 2-2 draw. It was my first game in full manager mode and it went well. We kept shape and we played some good football at times. We went 1-0 down (as usual!) but James Guppy scored two rediculous goals, one a speculative effort that the keeper let bobble over him, and the second was a terrible cross that somehow went top corner. We should have won the game but Nik Jonrs made a bit of a boo-boo and allowed them to equalise from a close range header by freezing to his line.

The next game v Allbrook Reserves was a masterclass in lack of discipline and effort. We played most of the game in our own penalty area and subsequently shipped another whopping 10 goals. The pick of the bunch however was when Nik Jones made a clearance into the face of an opposition player which rebounded into the net. Comedy gold (in retrospect).

Following 'Allbrookgate', Dan and I decided to overhaul our playing style and tactics-only was on the menu for our next training session.

The game yesterday was the first fielding our new flat 4-4-2 Zonal-Marking system and we looked a lot better. The game was against Stanton (again!) and I was (again) on the touchline trying to make sure the lads all remembered the training session and played how we wanted. We were unluckly to go 1-0 down as a free kick bobbled about in the area for a Stanton player to head home.
Luckily for us we did not lose shape and continued to play well before a stray ball on the edge of the box was lashed home by Lewis Jenkins to make it 1-1. The game was soured when Stu Morgan lashed out after an off the ball incident and was rightly sent off.

Hopefully over the next few weeks we can work further on our new simpler style and start to pick up some less random results! Here's hoping!

HHAFC x

HHAFC 10 - 11 West Totton

OK, the score wasn't really 10-11, that would be silly. It was actually the number of players that started the game for each team. Yes, we had only 10 men.

The actual score was 5-3 to West Totton but that in no way reflects how the game went. And, if I had somehow been able to film their goals to show you all just how terrible they were you would be able to understand why I feel this way.

First I have to start out by explaining how we ended only being able to start the game with 10 men...

In football 'management' at this level (very fucking low on the very large football league pyramid system) there is a lot to sort out past getting players ready for the game. If it was just a case of having a lovely training session every Tuesday night and come Saturday all I had to do was turn up with 11 names plus a few subs written on a Post-It note it would be almost too easy. Sadly, this is not the case.

Firstly the league did not allocate a referee for the game, cheers Southampton Saturday Football League so we had to sort one out ourselves ON THE DAY. Luckily the Referee we eventually got was a lovely rotund chap that I unfortunately saw naked in his shower after the game whilst trying to get him to sign the match card.

Aaaaanyway, enough about the officials' penis and I'll get onto the game...

We lined up in an original 4-4-1 formation (yes, it is just 4-4-2 with one less player, but I like to get excited about tactics to let me have this) with Nik in goal, a flat back 4 of Dan, Kev, Callum and Jon, a midfield of Guppy, Ralph, Myself and Phil with Wiko up front.

We started pretty poorly and conceded two early goals just as we were finding our feet playing with only 10. Luckily we were determined to not let our heads drop and managed to get the ball and play it about well. Callum blasted a long range free kick into the box that the opposition 'keeper let bounce over himself into the net to make it 2-1 and we started to really get a grip on the game.

Callum again got on the score sheet as he forced the ball into the net after another free kick wasn't dealt with by the opposition to make it 2-2 and we really started to feel that we had a chance in this game to cause an upset.

Towards the end of the first half we were playing well, putting our balls on the line and running our arses off to take the game to our opponents and more than match them for quality and desire.

Sadly the fairytale took a bit of a kick in the teeth as we conceded another two silly goals, one from an over-hit cross that buried itself in the top corner, and the second from a very soft penalty.

We went in at half time 4-2 down but we knew that with a bit of luck we could turn the game around if we played with the same guts as the first half.

The second half started well and Wilko made it 3-4 early on to give us a lot of hope. We spent a lot of time camped in the opposition half and almost made it count with two fucking stunning chances. Dan hit the post with a Scholes-esque drive that almost broke the goal, and later on Ralph was one-on-one with the keeper but couldn't sort his feet out to get enough power in the shot.

The time ticked on and we had to get more reckless in our attacks and we pushed higher up the field to pile pressure on the oppo. We created some decent chances down the flanks but we somehow couldn't convert our pressure into solid chances.

Finally the pressure let us down as a quick counter attack after a corner left us exposed at the back and we conceded the final goal. We drew the second half 1-1, just saying.

Next week we play West Totton again and with a full squad and the same passion as this week I can fully expect us to beat them. We played stupidly well and were so unlucky to not get a point from the game. I can't fault a single player today and I was immensely proud of the lads that were there.

The Man of The Match has to go to Callum (for the second time) if only for the drama. He scored two goals and conceded a penalty, he totally raped the air around him and made the game a joy to be a part off.

Adios for this week, next time I hope I can write a similarly positive match report but with a win to go with it too!

HHAFC x

Bitterne Park 5 - HHAFC 2

We continued our dip in form yesterday by losing badly to a poor team.

Last weekend we played a team in a higher division who were technically similar to us and we almost held our own, whereas this weekend we played a team that we could comfortably outplay on our day.

Firstly we did not have all of our players available, but this is not an excuse at all as I feel we have enough quality in our squad to be about to win even with a weakened squad.

Secondly we underestimated the small size of the pitch and fielded a midfield heavy 4-2-3-1 formation which was never going to work on such a compact and gravelly pitch.

Football wise we found ourselves easily intimidated on the ball and were poor under pressure which led to us conceeding two soft early goals.

To make matters worse Stubbo twisted his ankle and had to come off and the team had to adjust again.

We changed to a 4-4-2 after the substitution and we found that the extra width and less congestion in the middle made us play a lot more fluidly in patches but unfortunately we conceded a soft third goal shortly after the change.

At the end of the second half Matt Roberts curled in a flukey free kick from wide to give us hope.

We started the second half well and had several one on one opportunities  to score which we unfortunately could put in the back of the net.

Despite starting to play well we conceded our fourth soft goal and only then did we start to pick up the pace and urgency and start to play neat triangles and show what we can do.

Some poor defending cost as a needless fifth but shortly afterwards Ralph Stansfield drove a placed shot into the net to bring the score to 5-2 at full time.

Although it was a loss I feel that in the long term this game will help us, it highlighted our main weaknesses and gives us something to work on in time for our double header with West Totton coming up.

'Only The Cup'... Horton Heath 1 - 3 Polygon

Well it had to happen sometime but, we lost. Luckily it was in a Cup game and to a team in a higher division but nonetheless it was a loss and it hurts.

The two big factors in the loss were that A) We did not have our full squad, and B) We played a physical team who were also pretty good on the ball.

The two teams we had faced before, Romsey and Braishfield, were easily dominated both physically and our skill with the ball. The team today, Polygon, were well organised and comfortable on the ball and it is teams like this that we will need to be able to beat if we are to win this league convincingly, which I believe we are capable of on our day.

The game started with Polygon firmly on the front foot playing a mix of neat passing and incisive long balls which saw us quickly pinned back into our own half. Once we had started to get used to the style of play we began to get more of a hold on the game. Eventually, towards the middle of the half and against the run of play a ball was played through to the debutant James Guppy who made a Messi-esque run past 4 players before slotting the ball into the net.

The rest of the half we continued to be pressed in our half but hung on to our lead at half time.

We made two changes at half time and our 433 formation switched to a more conventional 442 formation and the second half started brightly with us starting to get into the game.
Nik Jones made some wonderful saves throughout the game but early in the 2nd half a loose ball on the edge of the area was absolutely and unstoppably spanked into the top corner making it 1-1.

Sadly we continued to be dominated and Polygon got their second goal from a badly defended corner with 20 minutes to go. Strangely it was at this point we began to play well stringing some nice passes together and attacking with pace. We managed a few shots  and started to look dangerous as we began to attack with pace.

As I said to start with, it was only the Cup and I stick by that. We can learn from this loss and hopefully use what we have gained to help us conquer this league.

I apologise for this depressing and boring post but I felt I had to write a match report and decided to fight back the tears and just get on with it.

HHAFC x

Strangely just as we were at our most threatening we conceded the killer blow making it 3-1 late on and effectively finishing the game.

The Team...

I think it’s about time I introduced the squad to you all with a little bit of background about each player. I’ll try to be as kind as possible but in some cases (Guppy) this is very difficult.

Here goes…

We’ll start with Dan and I as we co-founded and co-manage the wonderful sporting institution that is Horton Heath Athletic Football Club and I’ll work from there onwards.

Christopher ‘Nobbsy’ Nobbs (Moi) is the Chairman and (for official purposes only) the sole manager of the team. He wears the number 17 shirt (á la Ivan Klasnic – Croatian Hero/God) and is (by his own admission) the least talented member of the squad. One time Holding Midfielder, he now finds himself as a Left Midfielder attempting to challenge Arjen Robben to the title of ‘Most One-Footed Winger Ever’.

Dan ‘Debra’ Burgess is the Secretary and (unofficial) co-manager of the team. Playing as a recently converted Right Back or more natural Central Midfielder he wears the number 11 shirt (in an attempt to emulate the wonderful Darijo Srna) and is easily the worlds dirtiest player (yes he’s also a Leeds fan…). He probably can’t remember the last time he played a full season without a suspension and can usually be found trying to recover his studs from the opponent’s shins.

Kevin ‘Devvo Kevvo’ Newman is the Captain of the team and our ‘Number 4’ in the truest sense of the phrase. Built like a brick shit-house and with ‘a good touch for a big lad’ he’s the ideal player to wear the arm band. An all round lovely guy but isn’t afraid to dump you on your arse in training for simply not being as fucking massive as him.

Phil ‘Phyllis’ Kimber is the Vice-Captain of the team (also one of the three founding fathers along with Dan & Chris) and can be seen playing in his beloved number 8 shirt. Comfortable on the ball and a lover of a cheeky skill, he’s been known to make me whoop with joy as he’s made a fool of somebody in training with one of his trademark turns. Plays either as a Midfielder or Attacker depending on how he’s feeling. I should also point out that Mr Kimber is a serial womanizer, because he is.

Nik ‘Paddy Kenny’ Jones is the Goalkeeper & token alcoholic of the team. For some reason he insists on wearing the number 14 shirt (much to my bemusement) and despite his ample frame he has been known to make some alarmingly cat-like saves. Can usually be found either smoking or in his van, sometimes a combination of the two. Lovely chap, has a very Hampshire accent.

Scott ‘Grandpa’ Wagstaff is, at age 26 (?) the oldest member of the team. Wearing the delightfully boring number 6 shirt he plays as a very traditional Centre-Back. Even as an avid Leicester fan it is difficult to dislike the chap and sometimes reminds me of Bradley from Eastenders. Despite being one of the players to have known me the longest (from the Bishops Waltham Dynamos days), he still finds me very weird. Odd.

Callum ‘Cal’ Foote is the other part of the Centre-Back pairing and at 16 is a full decade younger than Scott ‘David Weir’ Wagstaff. Equally as un-ambitious as his partner in his choice of number, 5, yawn. Despite being a central defender he has got all the tricks, and as such I will liken him to Josip Simunic (‘The Croatian Ronaldinho’).

Stuart ‘Lovejoy’ Morgan is one of the few players I’d not met before starting the team, despite this we get on like a gangbang and he texts me like a love-struck teenage girl. A recently converted striker (and therefore wearing the number 9 shirt) he has a left foot that even Roberto Carlos would be proud of. Also looks like Tim Lovejoy, poor lad.

Thomas ‘Wilko’ Wilkinson and Jonathan ‘Dinosaur’ Grant will be the only joint bio I do as I think of them like a lovely little married couple which is probably not far from the truth (a bit like me and Dan but we’re more like an old married couple that never have sex and hate each other a little bit). They say opposites attract and it’s true in this case too, you’ll be hard pressed to find two footballers that are so different; Wilko is a skilful attack minded player with a free kick like Alex (the Chelsea one) and ball control like Dimitar Berbatov, whereas Jon is a solid-as-a-door defender that would probably have a stroke even at the thought of doing a step-over but also will never make a mistake. They wear the numbers 2 and 12 respectively.

Matthew ‘Linda’ Roberts is easily in the top few utterly wanky players. Such a bastard for a skill, trick or cheeky dribble and when he pulls them off it is wonderful. His favourite player is Dennis Bergkamp and it shows. However he has also been known to pull off some Le Tissier-esque wonder strikes too. In true wanky player style he wears the number 1 shirt.

James ‘Gup’ Guppy is Horton Heath’s number 7 and true to form is an utter tart. The only player capable of winding me up is luckily a very good player when he wants to be. When he doesn’t want to be he’s annoying, arrogant and sometimes violent. He does show his sensitive side from time to time which almost makes him seem like a human being again. Loves a step-over and is the proud owner of the heaviest touch in history. – Despite this, I do actually like the guy.

Samuel ‘Stubbo’ Stubbington is a wonderful chap and reminds me of Neil from The Inbetweeners. Possibly the best switcher of the ball I’ve seen at this level and he even did me with a Ronaldinho ‘flip-flap’ at training the other day which made me happy. Wears the number 15 shirt as it was the only number we had left.

Ralph ‘It’s A Quail!’ Stansfield is easily our most talented player but contrary to the norm is modest and lovely. Playing alongside Mr Stansfield is akin to playing with an athletic David Beckham and he’s a bastard for a pinpoint lofted through-ball. Dominates the midfield and makes my pants wet, plays in the much revered number 10 shirt.

Alistair ‘Ali Fresh’ Mcclymont is my favourite sort of player. He’s slightly unfit, a bit on the short side and absolutely fucking brilliant. Reminds me of a slightly intoxicated Paul Gascoigne having a kick about with Maradonna. Currently scouting for us in South America , he is looking to join up with us for the second half of the season and will wear the number 3 shirt.

As well as the full-time players, we also have four part-time players who somehow thought it wise to pursue a University Education;

Karl ‘Hovis’ Taitt is a sucker for a slide tackle and is also our token black player.

Sam ‘J-Bird’ Jacobson is the Yossi Benayoun of the team and loves a weavy Jewish dribble.

Joe ‘Kidney’ Hill once split his Kidney in a game, possibly from being too bloody fast.

James ‘Dedication’ Davies is such a team player that he owns his own kit. Respect.

Braishfield 0 (Nil) HHAFC 8 (Eight)

With a starting 11 absent of Ralphy Stansfield and 'Devvo' Captain Kevvo, I have to admit I was feeling a little nervous.

J-Bird (Sam Jacobson), James Davies and Sam 'Stubbo' Stubbington made their debuts today and Phil (Kimber) took over the (loose fitting!) arm band as our serving vice-captain.

Dan and Phil came into the midfield to fill some big boots, Sam came in at right back and Stubbo made his 20th birthday appearance on at right midfield.

The idea was to line up with the same successful 4-4-1-1 shape as in last weeks 3-0 win over Athletico Romsey, however, for most of the game it was more of a 4-2-4 due to the size of the pitch and (lack of) skill from the opposition.

Luckily it became clear early on that my nerves were misplaced and that even without our 'strongest' line-up we were more than capable of creating a large win on the day.

As a team we camped high in the opposition half with as many as 6 men attacking at once limiting Braishfield to produce only long balls under sustained pressure.

Sadly in a game with oh so many goals I've forgotten how some went and even in the order they were scored but I'm sure a few angry Facebook messages from the scorers will lead to a follow up post with some more in depth analysis.

I shall try nonetheless...

Wilko bagged us the first goal very early on in the first half when his long range tester shot somehow managed to go straight through the goalkeeper and into the net.

Wilko also managed to stick the ball into the net in the 90th minute with a wonderful strike, but somehow the referee inexplicably blew the final whistle as the ball was on it's way into the top corner. Cheated.

Dan 'Debra' Burgess was on the score sheet twice with two short range efforts that I think were both from poorly dealt with corners (which were consistently brilliant from Stu and Wilko) and he somehow managed to totally spoon the ball from all of 2 yards (another corner) over the crossbar which would have sealed his hat-trick.

Captain Kimber was also keen to get in on the act and led by example scoring two fantastic goals. The first came when the ball was played through to him down the left of the penalty area, he cut in and advanced along the by-line before slotting the ball in at the near post with the goalkeeper stranded.

His second was one of the most wonderful goals I've seen in my career.

The ball was played wide to Nobbsy on the left who cut in onto his stronger foot an played the ball to Phil on the edge of the 18 yard box. He had time to look up before opening himself up and curling a wonderful ball over the 'keeper and into the top right hand corner.

As our only out and out striker it would have been a shame for Stu to not bag a goal. He spent most of the game making runs of the last defender and creating a large number of our goals. Luckily he managed to bag himself a goal before he jetted off on holiday with a lovely effort stroked along the ground from the right hand side of the penalty area into the bottom left corner of the goal.

Now this is where I get really excited as I managed not only to score my first ever competitive goal, but to score two of the bastards.

The first came when a lovely through ball was played for me to run free on goal which I took with my weaker left foot and shot into the bottom right corner of the goal and squirmed under the falling goalkeeper. Frankly I was a bit confused the I'd actually managed to put the ball into the net, but as I'd managed earlier to volley onto the bar and also shank a 1 yard shot wide I guess it was just my lucky day.

I decided to celebrate but going totally fucking nuts and running into whoever got to me fist. Unluckily this was Dan (co-founder) Burgess who in his excitement decided it would be a wonderful idea to take me out in a Rugby style challenge and subsequently give me a dead leg much to the amusement of the 4 people that were watching.

My second was putting the finishing touch on a stunning piece of team play which must have consisted of about 15 passes including one-twos, back heels and eventually a stunning through ball from Phil which put me one on one with the goalkeeper and I luckily managed to keep my cool and slot the ball in with my right foot into the net at the near post.

The goal was special not only because the least talented player in the whole squad managed to put it into the goal but the fact that is was the most stunning piece of passing build up we'd managed to create.

Aside from the goals everyone played wonderfully;

Nik made a few wonderful saves, most notable of which was a close range free-kick that looked destined to go in which he managed to punch away and keep his clean sheet.

Callum and Waggy won absolutely everything and kept us solid at the back and played mostly as a back two as the full backs and midfield advanced.

Phil had a great game as captain and as well as scoring two goals he managed to slow the game down when the rest of the team were getting over-excited.

Jon was solid down the left and played some wonderful balls into the midfield and through for Nobbsy to chase.

Wilko had another stunning game dropping into the midfield and creating chances all over the place.

Birthday-boy Stubbo (pictured) had a solid debut and although he came off after 70 minutes he made some wonderful moves, in particular when he switched the play with wonderful accuracy. 

James Davies came on for the final 20 and played well on the right side making some nice runs into the box.

I've saved the best for last though as also making his debut was Sam Jacobson who earned himself the Man of the Match award by being an absolute fucking menace and Right Back.

As well as keeping it solid defensively he was making fantastic runs for all of the 90 minutes and frequently built play from the back, cutting the ball inside or taking it on himself.

The most exciting aspect of the game was that we were able to score freely from midfield. Before the start of the season I was not worried about our lack of dedicated strikers (none!) as I believed we had the firepower in midfield to cause enough problems and luckily I've been proved right as a staggering 9 of our 11 goals have been scored by players in midfield positions.

Although the quality of the opposition was poor we also have to remember that the team today was not featuring Kev, Ralph and the yet to play Matt (Roberts) and James (Guppy) who are in my opinion some of the most talented players in the squad and I genuinely feel sorry for whoever plays us the week that all 14 first-team players are available.

HHAFC x