The Team...

I think it’s about time I introduced the squad to you all with a little bit of background about each player. I’ll try to be as kind as possible but in some cases (Guppy) this is very difficult.

Here goes…

We’ll start with Dan and I as we co-founded and co-manage the wonderful sporting institution that is Horton Heath Athletic Football Club and I’ll work from there onwards.

Christopher ‘Nobbsy’ Nobbs (Moi) is the Chairman and (for official purposes only) the sole manager of the team. He wears the number 17 shirt (á la Ivan Klasnic – Croatian Hero/God) and is (by his own admission) the least talented member of the squad. One time Holding Midfielder, he now finds himself as a Left Midfielder attempting to challenge Arjen Robben to the title of ‘Most One-Footed Winger Ever’.

Dan ‘Debra’ Burgess is the Secretary and (unofficial) co-manager of the team. Playing as a recently converted Right Back or more natural Central Midfielder he wears the number 11 shirt (in an attempt to emulate the wonderful Darijo Srna) and is easily the worlds dirtiest player (yes he’s also a Leeds fan…). He probably can’t remember the last time he played a full season without a suspension and can usually be found trying to recover his studs from the opponent’s shins.

Kevin ‘Devvo Kevvo’ Newman is the Captain of the team and our ‘Number 4’ in the truest sense of the phrase. Built like a brick shit-house and with ‘a good touch for a big lad’ he’s the ideal player to wear the arm band. An all round lovely guy but isn’t afraid to dump you on your arse in training for simply not being as fucking massive as him.

Phil ‘Phyllis’ Kimber is the Vice-Captain of the team (also one of the three founding fathers along with Dan & Chris) and can be seen playing in his beloved number 8 shirt. Comfortable on the ball and a lover of a cheeky skill, he’s been known to make me whoop with joy as he’s made a fool of somebody in training with one of his trademark turns. Plays either as a Midfielder or Attacker depending on how he’s feeling. I should also point out that Mr Kimber is a serial womanizer, because he is.

Nik ‘Paddy Kenny’ Jones is the Goalkeeper & token alcoholic of the team. For some reason he insists on wearing the number 14 shirt (much to my bemusement) and despite his ample frame he has been known to make some alarmingly cat-like saves. Can usually be found either smoking or in his van, sometimes a combination of the two. Lovely chap, has a very Hampshire accent.

Scott ‘Grandpa’ Wagstaff is, at age 26 (?) the oldest member of the team. Wearing the delightfully boring number 6 shirt he plays as a very traditional Centre-Back. Even as an avid Leicester fan it is difficult to dislike the chap and sometimes reminds me of Bradley from Eastenders. Despite being one of the players to have known me the longest (from the Bishops Waltham Dynamos days), he still finds me very weird. Odd.

Callum ‘Cal’ Foote is the other part of the Centre-Back pairing and at 16 is a full decade younger than Scott ‘David Weir’ Wagstaff. Equally as un-ambitious as his partner in his choice of number, 5, yawn. Despite being a central defender he has got all the tricks, and as such I will liken him to Josip Simunic (‘The Croatian Ronaldinho’).

Stuart ‘Lovejoy’ Morgan is one of the few players I’d not met before starting the team, despite this we get on like a gangbang and he texts me like a love-struck teenage girl. A recently converted striker (and therefore wearing the number 9 shirt) he has a left foot that even Roberto Carlos would be proud of. Also looks like Tim Lovejoy, poor lad.

Thomas ‘Wilko’ Wilkinson and Jonathan ‘Dinosaur’ Grant will be the only joint bio I do as I think of them like a lovely little married couple which is probably not far from the truth (a bit like me and Dan but we’re more like an old married couple that never have sex and hate each other a little bit). They say opposites attract and it’s true in this case too, you’ll be hard pressed to find two footballers that are so different; Wilko is a skilful attack minded player with a free kick like Alex (the Chelsea one) and ball control like Dimitar Berbatov, whereas Jon is a solid-as-a-door defender that would probably have a stroke even at the thought of doing a step-over but also will never make a mistake. They wear the numbers 2 and 12 respectively.

Matthew ‘Linda’ Roberts is easily in the top few utterly wanky players. Such a bastard for a skill, trick or cheeky dribble and when he pulls them off it is wonderful. His favourite player is Dennis Bergkamp and it shows. However he has also been known to pull off some Le Tissier-esque wonder strikes too. In true wanky player style he wears the number 1 shirt.

James ‘Gup’ Guppy is Horton Heath’s number 7 and true to form is an utter tart. The only player capable of winding me up is luckily a very good player when he wants to be. When he doesn’t want to be he’s annoying, arrogant and sometimes violent. He does show his sensitive side from time to time which almost makes him seem like a human being again. Loves a step-over and is the proud owner of the heaviest touch in history. – Despite this, I do actually like the guy.

Samuel ‘Stubbo’ Stubbington is a wonderful chap and reminds me of Neil from The Inbetweeners. Possibly the best switcher of the ball I’ve seen at this level and he even did me with a Ronaldinho ‘flip-flap’ at training the other day which made me happy. Wears the number 15 shirt as it was the only number we had left.

Ralph ‘It’s A Quail!’ Stansfield is easily our most talented player but contrary to the norm is modest and lovely. Playing alongside Mr Stansfield is akin to playing with an athletic David Beckham and he’s a bastard for a pinpoint lofted through-ball. Dominates the midfield and makes my pants wet, plays in the much revered number 10 shirt.

Alistair ‘Ali Fresh’ Mcclymont is my favourite sort of player. He’s slightly unfit, a bit on the short side and absolutely fucking brilliant. Reminds me of a slightly intoxicated Paul Gascoigne having a kick about with Maradonna. Currently scouting for us in South America , he is looking to join up with us for the second half of the season and will wear the number 3 shirt.

As well as the full-time players, we also have four part-time players who somehow thought it wise to pursue a University Education;

Karl ‘Hovis’ Taitt is a sucker for a slide tackle and is also our token black player.

Sam ‘J-Bird’ Jacobson is the Yossi Benayoun of the team and loves a weavy Jewish dribble.

Joe ‘Kidney’ Hill once split his Kidney in a game, possibly from being too bloody fast.

James ‘Dedication’ Davies is such a team player that he owns his own kit. Respect.